Intimate Noche Buena

I so love Christmas… the happiest time of the year! Christmas tree, decors, “cold” weather, carols, gifts, bibingka, Christmas parties,  Christmas bonus, Noche Buena. I love everything about Christmas, except one -- Christmas Shopping!

I despise it! Especially, because it’s too difficult for me to shop for gifts for women. Obviously, not for my girlfriend, but for my inaanak, sisters, mom, and lola.  I even remember 2 years ago, I was still in SM Makati 20 minutes before their closing time, on the 24^th of December, buying a gift for my lola! That was literally a last minute shopping! And, I had the biggest smile in the world when my last gift was wrapped with ribbon and placed under the tree!

This year, Christmas shopping was a breeze. I beat my personal record, and finished my Christmas shopping by December 21th. Yes, I finished it all 4 days before Christmas. Mission Accomplished!

But ironically, I’m not ecstatic. It feels different, so different! Of course, I’m glad I’ve finished my annual shopping chores. But it’s just so damn weird that I finished it early. And it feels sad. So sad.

I miss braving the crowd of Glorietta and Megamall to find those last minute perfect gifts on the 23^rd and 24^th of December. I miss analyzing for days the best gifts to give to these women. And most of all… I miss the persons who should be receiving the gifts. The 2 persons that I lost this year. My mom and my lola.

But life goes on. It’s Noche Buena on the 24^th! Sadly, there are now two empty seats in our dining area.  10 less gifts under the tree. Two less persons in the family portrait. Two less laughter and voices on Christmas eve.

But hey… I shouldn’t be sad. It’s still Christmas! And guess what…. while we are having our intimate Noche Buena at home, they are having an even grander party up there with the celebrant himself. Awesome! And of course... I should be happy for the 2nd life, and that I'm still celebrating Noche Buena with my family.

Have a blessed Christmas! 

Mercury Buffet

Glaxo, Pfizer, Unilab, Sandoz, Rhea, Globaxol.... these have become household names. No, I'm not a doctor, nor am I a med rep. But, because I've been their loyal customer for 1.5 years. 

18 months back, I was a drug-addict. Not with shabu, but with RX drugs, literally taking tons of meds every single day, contributing 16K to the bottomline of the pharma companies every month, when I was battling with AIDS. 

My daily planner then was not filled with meetings... but with drugs, starting from the time I open my eyes with the jingle of Kris TV, to the time I close them with Banana Nights. Excluding meds through IV. 

Literally, I was swallowing a cup-full of tablets every single day, forcing myself to swallow that nauseous smell of fluconazole. Well, that fluconazole alone, costs like a Yakimik meal. So, I just told myself that it's a buffet in a capsule. Its name sounds Korean/Japanese to me anyway! And that Azithromycin that gave me instant LBM was like a big mac in a tablet! 

But, I never gave up! I followed my doctor's instruction carefully, never missing any dose! Slowly, the pharmas and Mercury started to earn less from me.

First eviction came 2 months after. The first evictee: Rimactazid. From 2 tabs, it's down to 1 a day! And that Yakimix capsule, was slashed down to 2 tabs a day. Great, with this, I can now afford 2 yummy buffets a day!

After another 2 months, Rimactazid's dosage was reduced further! 

After another 3 months. Rimactazid was downgraded to Isoniazid! A pleasant surprise indeed, for I didn't know that Isoniazid costs only 6% of Rimactazid. Now, I can afford one additional La Fiesta buffet every month! 

Today, after another 12 months, I went to my doctor with my CD4 result! From a baseline of 14, my count is now 150! So, my doctor declared a forced eviction!

From now on, Azithromycin & Fluconazole are out! My two most expensive prophylaxis! The savings will now afford me a Sofitel buffet with my partner, and 1 Viking's buffet every month! What a pleasant birthday and Christmas gift for December! Can't wait to taste real foie gras, manchego, rib eye, hakaw, rockefeller oyser, jamon serrano, and that chewy chocolate chip cookies from Sofitel's gluttonous table!   

Thanks Azythromycin & Fluconazole. You have served me well! And, I'm really getting emotional now. Not that I'm gonna miss A&F. But I just realized that I was almost in my death bed 18 months back. Now, I'm so full of life! Thanks Doc! Thanks PGH! Thanks to my family and friends! Thanks pharma companies! and Thank You Lord!  And watch out.... cotri and isoniazid, you are next in line! 

Now... it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! 

First Travel as a Pozzie

I know that Singapore is not HIV friendly. They deport PLHIV if they found out they're positive. Unfortunately, I needed to go to Singapore for a business trip. My first ever trip as a pozzie. What do I do?

Fortunately, an SG-based pinoy member replied to my question on TRR. Now, I have a plan. Keep my ARV and 4 prophylaxis antibiotics in my check-in luggage. In case it gets delayed, this TRR member will lend me his ARV until my luggage arrives. No need to worry carrying my meds in my hand-carry bag. Relax!  

So, everything went on smoothly at Changi Airport. Even if I was randomly picked to put my luggage in the Custom's x-ray machine, I had no problem getting in the city - me and my meds.

At last, I'm in Singapore! The ultra clean city, wide roads, efficient transportation, disciplined pedestrian. The almost robotic and perfect city that I wanted to live in years ago. Unfortunately, living here is no longer possible for me as a pozzie. 

As I sit in the taxi to reach my hotel, I started to reminisce my last travel before I got sick of AID-related illnesses. Incidentally, that was also in Singapore! I remember clearly how bad my breathing was at that time. Getting my luggage from the conveyor caused breathing problems, like an asthma attack.  Same thing happened when I put my 15-kilo luggage in the compartment of a taxi. I even avoided MRT stations with no escalators as climbing stairs would make me grasp for air. Merely walking along the long air-conditioned hall of Cityhall link made me stop several times to rest before proceeding. And outside Outram station, I remember not crossing a huge road when there was even 15 seconds remaining before the pedestrian traffic light turns red - walking fast would cause shortness of breath. All these because of pneumonia, which I still didn't know I had at that time. 

Suddenly, the taxi driver said "Here lah!" I paid 20 bucks and got my 30-kilo luggage from the compartment quickly! Wow, it was effortless. I tried to cross the busy Orchard Road. But the pedestrian light was blinking faster... 10 seconds on the timer. Without hesitation, I ran with my luggage and carry-on bag. Don't wanna wait for the next green light. I made it in time before the light turned red. No sweat. After I checked-in at my hotel, I strolled along Orchard, to find a place to eat. I've walked almost the entire stretch of Orchard. This time, I'm sweating. But no, not because of breathing problems, but for walking almost a kilometer under the humid climate of Singapore! I really feel so normal now... very far from the asthmatic state I had last year! I have indeed fully recovered from AIDS. 

  

Then, I finally had dinner. A fit and sexy Singaporean in tank top walked in front of my table! Damn! Apart from the city view, this is also what I really missed. Fit Singaporeans, no tummies, walking in tight fitting shirts scattered in all corners of Singapore! This country is so obsessed in gym and fitness, and it's just so amazing! I better start working out seriously when I get back in Manila. :)

A Pozzie Party

Yesterday, I attended a pozzie event. A triple birthday celebration of 3 pozzies in a private venue. 

Man, it's been a while. This is the first party I attended in 1.5 years. The first party after I was diagnosed as a pozzie. 

It's fun to party again! Good food. New faces. Kwentuhan. Kulitan. And of course... Alcohol! But no, I didn't drink. I'm on 4 antibiotics :)  

Well, although it's a pozzie party, all look normal. No more stereotype images of pozzies looking sick and dying. Everyone looks fit and healthy. 

But of course, there were surprises! I saw some familiar faces. I saw a face I used to see in a gym. Then, a  guy I met on Grindr. Then, a guy I met many years ago; I can't believe I'm seeing him again after more than a decade, in a pozzie event, and both as pozzies. Was it bothersome to see these guys there? Initially... yes. But hey, it's an exclusive pozzie event. So, why worry?

The best thing about the group is its privacy. It has RULES! No cameras flashing here and there. No need to worry that your pics get uploaded on Facebook or Twitter in a speed of 3 Mbps. And due to the "rules", no further details :) The party was just simply fun, kahit medyo tahimik pa ko dun... 

Truly, there's life after HIV! 


#latepost

Most Hated Question

Tonight, my dad asked me, has Magic Johnson been cured of HIV? I just said no. His HIV is just being managed. No elaboration, though I know only 1 person has been cured of HIV. That guy who has undergone a risky bone marrow transplant. And why is he asking me this question? 

Well, I have been living in the closet for more than half my life. Being a discreet closeted homo, I have mastered the art and science of hiding. 

Yes, I'm out to my fellow discreet gay/bi friends and partner, but not to any of my family members, nor to any of my colleagues and straight friends. And this has really affected my relationship with them, most especially with my family. Being in a marrying age, I have been constantly asked  by my parents when I am getting married. To cut the conversation off, I just keep silent. Oftentimes, I even avoid being with them just to avoid this type of awkward conversation. And like many other closeted guys out there, I have long avoided weddings and family reunions... as much as I could. That's what living in a closet is... in a nutshell. And I've learned to be OK with this setup. 

Then came HIV. Of course, I got depressed when I found out. Who wouldn't be? But, a day after diagnosis, while I was on my hospital bed, a thought flashed in. Now that my family knows I'm positive, this means they will stop asking when I am getting married. This made me smile in the midst of despair. A welcome break indeed :)

After several months, I recovered from my AIDS OI's, and things slowly went back to normal. Except one thing... my parents have stopped asking me the awkward question. A small consuelo for this most feared disease. Though it's so shallow and mababaw, a tiny but heavy torn was still taken out. Now, I no longer have to keep distant from my dad. 

Self Empowerment Training

I started reading blogs of pozzies as soon as I was diagnosed. From the blog of IamHPositive, I learned about Self Empowerment Training or SET. It is a group counseling program designed for pozzies. I got excited to join SET.  But, in another blog, I learned that the facilitator is Dra. Rita. Uh... oh! Is she the Dra. Rita that I know? I asked my friend who knows Dra. Rita pretty well. Alas! It’s really her! Excitement became disappointment, coz I’m not ready to out my status to someone I know. And I'm too ashamed to reveal my status, my failure! 

A year passed. Finally, I decided it was time for SET. I don’t care if Dra. Rita would remember me. But I really want to attend SET.

Honestly, I didn’t really expect much from SET, since I have long accepted my being a pozzie. I’m not depressed. And I've moved on. But I really wanted to join.

So I joined. I arrived at the hotel early. I was the 4^th guy who arrived. One by one, SET participants came. The organizers were late. So, we were so quiet. No one was talking. Just looking, and trying to gauge each other. Or maybe, trying to check each other out. Till, my seatmate started to talk. Where’s your hub? Who’s your doctor? Did you get sick? What’s your cocktail? Common stuff that pozzies talk about. Oh, and by the way, to everyone’s surprise, we had a girl SETmate. :) A real girl, not pa-girl. :) 

Then the organizers arrived. And the facilitator came. Guess who she was. It was expectedly, The Dra. Rita!!!

Time for introduction. When it was my turn, I finally told Dra. Rita that I know her. No big deal.

Then, we started to share our stories. It was an MMK night indeed. One story after another. Stories of sadness. Struggle. Fear. Tears. Depression. Disappointment. Betrayal. Sickness. Battle. But… behind the negative vibes, the night was filled with stories of Survival. Rebound. Love. Acceptance. Success. and Victory against the highly feared and stigmatized virus. Those stories bonded us together. For we have just shared the most hidden part of our lives to strangers... to our new found friends. To people like us. To people with similar battle, fear, and virus.  Yeah, you can say that, HIV glued us together.

Sharing and laughter continued through the night, even after Dra. Rita dismissed us. Since we had a muse, we taught her how to Grindr. And gave her a 101 course on our vocabulary: top, bottom, versa. She's one of us now! :) 

The day after, it was time to say goodbye. SET is over! 

It’s true that SET did not remove my depression. For I'm not depressed to begin with. I’ve long accepted my status and moved on. But that doesn’t make SET a waste of my time. More than anything, it gave me new friends who would undoubtedly understand me as a pozzie. Someone with the same virus as mine.  Same ARVs. Same fear. Same challenges. 

As we close the program, Dra. Rita emphasized that even after diagnosis, we are the still same persons, with the same talent and skills. We only have the virus hiding underneath our blood, but it’s still the same us! All of us are living evidences. Myself included. Being one of SET participants with the most OI's upon diagnosis, I feel so blessed. For I survived them all. Look where I am now. Looking healthy and happy. Dra. Rita even said that she can no longer distinguish the way I look now with the the way I was before I got sick. I’m so back... "I found my way back into life!" :)

Again, fear not of HIV test. HIV is not a death sentence. It can be managed with early treatment. Get tested, while still pogi :) Don't repeat my mistake of not getting tested until I got so sick. 

HIV 101 - ARV vs HIV

Like diabetes and hypertension, HIV has no cure. But it can be managed by medicines (ARV). The drawings below explain how ARV's control HIV.  Thanks to ARV, AIDS-related death over the years has been reduced significantly... mostly limited to those who were diagnosed late, and have not undergone treatment.  

Key takeaway: HIV is not a life sentence! It can be managed. So, it is crucial to get tested, and undergo treatment when needed. HIV test is free. HIV meds are also free!