Self Empowerment Training

I started reading blogs of pozzies as soon as I was diagnosed. From the blog of IamHPositive, I learned about Self Empowerment Training or SET. It is a group counseling program designed for pozzies. I got excited to join SET.  But, in another blog, I learned that the facilitator is Dra. Rita. Uh... oh! Is she the Dra. Rita that I know? I asked my friend who knows Dra. Rita pretty well. Alas! It’s really her! Excitement became disappointment, coz I’m not ready to out my status to someone I know. And I'm too ashamed to reveal my status, my failure! 

A year passed. Finally, I decided it was time for SET. I don’t care if Dra. Rita would remember me. But I really want to attend SET.

Honestly, I didn’t really expect much from SET, since I have long accepted my being a pozzie. I’m not depressed. And I've moved on. But I really wanted to join.

So I joined. I arrived at the hotel early. I was the 4^th guy who arrived. One by one, SET participants came. The organizers were late. So, we were so quiet. No one was talking. Just looking, and trying to gauge each other. Or maybe, trying to check each other out. Till, my seatmate started to talk. Where’s your hub? Who’s your doctor? Did you get sick? What’s your cocktail? Common stuff that pozzies talk about. Oh, and by the way, to everyone’s surprise, we had a girl SETmate. :) A real girl, not pa-girl. :) 

Then the organizers arrived. And the facilitator came. Guess who she was. It was expectedly, The Dra. Rita!!!

Time for introduction. When it was my turn, I finally told Dra. Rita that I know her. No big deal.

Then, we started to share our stories. It was an MMK night indeed. One story after another. Stories of sadness. Struggle. Fear. Tears. Depression. Disappointment. Betrayal. Sickness. Battle. But… behind the negative vibes, the night was filled with stories of Survival. Rebound. Love. Acceptance. Success. and Victory against the highly feared and stigmatized virus. Those stories bonded us together. For we have just shared the most hidden part of our lives to strangers... to our new found friends. To people like us. To people with similar battle, fear, and virus.  Yeah, you can say that, HIV glued us together.

Sharing and laughter continued through the night, even after Dra. Rita dismissed us. Since we had a muse, we taught her how to Grindr. And gave her a 101 course on our vocabulary: top, bottom, versa. She's one of us now! :) 

The day after, it was time to say goodbye. SET is over! 

It’s true that SET did not remove my depression. For I'm not depressed to begin with. I’ve long accepted my status and moved on. But that doesn’t make SET a waste of my time. More than anything, it gave me new friends who would undoubtedly understand me as a pozzie. Someone with the same virus as mine.  Same ARVs. Same fear. Same challenges. 

As we close the program, Dra. Rita emphasized that even after diagnosis, we are the still same persons, with the same talent and skills. We only have the virus hiding underneath our blood, but it’s still the same us! All of us are living evidences. Myself included. Being one of SET participants with the most OI's upon diagnosis, I feel so blessed. For I survived them all. Look where I am now. Looking healthy and happy. Dra. Rita even said that she can no longer distinguish the way I look now with the the way I was before I got sick. I’m so back... "I found my way back into life!" :)

Again, fear not of HIV test. HIV is not a death sentence. It can be managed with early treatment. Get tested, while still pogi :) Don't repeat my mistake of not getting tested until I got so sick. 

HIV 101 - ARV vs HIV

Like diabetes and hypertension, HIV has no cure. But it can be managed by medicines (ARV). The drawings below explain how ARV's control HIV.  Thanks to ARV, AIDS-related death over the years has been reduced significantly... mostly limited to those who were diagnosed late, and have not undergone treatment.  

Key takeaway: HIV is not a life sentence! It can be managed. So, it is crucial to get tested, and undergo treatment when needed. HIV test is free. HIV meds are also free! 

HIV 101 - Immune System Vs Virus

HIV 101 - History of HIV

I'm posting a series of HIV 101 articles. These are quite interesting, short and easy to read. Thanks to my dentist  who shared them with me. In case you are a PLHIV, and need a dentist who's not worried to do dental procedures for PLHIV, contact Dr. Gerri :)

Destiny

DESTINY - noun (plural destinies). 

The events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future: she was unable to control her own destiny.

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Year 2013, I found out I'm positive. Was it my destiny?

Fast rewind, >10 yrs ago. I was in college. Technically a virgin. No-gimmick, nerdy boy in school. I remember clearly my Filipino professor back then asked us to write a short story. Can't decide on a topic for days. Till one brilliant idea came!

Two days after our short story submission, my professor announced to the entire class of College of Science & Engineering students mostly dominated by their brains' left hemisphere, that she photocopied a short story that she likes and is distributing it for the class to read. She erased the name of the writer. My seatmate gave me my copy. So surprised, I almost shouted... are you serious, this is my story?!?! 

And guess what my story was about? It's about... well. In summary, it goes like this:

Bryan and Paul were driving along Taft ave on a hot and humid weekend afternoon. They were sweaty, anxious, tensed and worried while watching jeepneys overtake their air-conditioned Civic. Until they reached their destination. Room 704 on Ayala. They waited for their turn, until the doctor called them out, and said: "Good News! Negative and HIV test no!" They were so ectatic, as they left the hospital! Then Bryan said, "Ano, tara, mamik up uli tayo sa Quezon Ave!"

That's right... my story was about HIV, AIDS! I wrote it when internet was still a rare commodity. When Grindr, PR and Jack'd were not yet invented. When there were more pagers than smart phones in universities. When finding other discreet and straight acting friends were just a dream, at least mine. When I was still sexually inactive. And when I didn't know a lot about HIV, and the stigma attached to it was much much greater! Imagine Sarah Jane Salazar on TV Patrol. 

Fast forward. 7 years later, I found myself in the shoes of Bryan. Sweaty, anxious, fearful of getting my result after I decided to have my first ever HIV test. I opened the envelope in Remedios AIDS Foundation. One, two, kabooom! Like Bryan, I felt like a lotto winner when it turned out negative. Unfortunately, my short story was open ended... an indication of a part 2. 

True enough, my real story turned out similarly. After my first HIV test result, I went back to my "exciting adventures." Then, came my 2nd test, after one year. Still Lucky... non-reactive! Then I stopped taking tests after that due to fear. And I went on with my "relatively safer adventures" in ones, ones became tens, tens became twenties, then probably hundreds (embarrassing), in different provinces, in different countries, continents, and with different races. Pinoy, Taiwanese, Singaporean, Thai, Indonesian, Vietnamese, Malaysian, Iranian, Greek, Turkish, Lebanese, Saudi, Bahraini, American, Australian, Spanish, German, Romanian, Portuguese, Italian, French,  Dutch, Jamaican, Panamanian, Colombian, Mexican, Venezuelan. Omg... shamefully too many!  

Fast forward. 5 years after my second test, I was hoping for another luck. Unfortunately, my blood said "enough!" Not this time! Result... I'm HIV positive. Stage 4. Full-blown AIDS. Very low CD4, with multiple AIDS-related infections! 

HIV, am I destined to you? Blame it on that college paper... that short story was cursed! Or is it? Nah! Of course not! HIV is not destiny, but a result... of my lifestyle choice.

And progression to AIDS is not destiny either. It's a result of my fear of the test for the past 5 years, due to my ignorance on HIV treatment. 

I have AIDS now, but I decided to beat it!  

Typhoon Glenda is destiny, unavoidable. AIDS is not. So, Get tested!

Stay happy!

Learnings from Shingles

As I posted in my last blog, I had shingles. Shingles a.k.a. Herpes Zoster is a recurrence of chicken pox. Once a person is infected with chicken pox, the Varicella Zoster virus (the virus causing chicken pox) stays dormant deep within the nerves, and stays there sleeping. Once a person's immune system goes down, the virus wakes up and travels from the nerve to the surface of the skin, resulting in Shingles. Most of the time, this affects old people (>50 years old), or people who are immuno-compromised (like PLHIV and cancer patients). But, this can also affect healthy people (though not very common). Shingles is infectious to people who haven't had chicken pox before, and it will manifest in them as chicken pox, NOT as shingles.  

Unlike chicken pox, shingles usually doesn't spread throughout the entire body. It manifests in a certain pattern following the path of the nerve. It only manifests in one part of the body (either left or right). And it is more painful than itchy. The nerve pain may stay on even after shingles is healed, sometimes until 1 month, and in a some cases, even until 1 year. And worse, it looks ugly... really disgusting! So I'm not posting any real-life photo.  

But, herpes zoster is not the typical herpes or herpes simplex. This is a common misconception. Although they are from the same herpes virus family, they are two different things! Herpes simplex is caused by the virus called HSV, while shingles is caused by the virus called Varicella Zoster. Herpes simplex may be sexually-transmitted, while Herpes Zoster is never sexually-transmitted, but merely a recurrence of chicken pox. Both stay dormant after they are healed, but may recur once a person's immune system goes down. 

So, what have I learned from my shingles outbreak? A week or two before my shingles infection, I have been stressed out. Stressed at work. I have been working till late and been getting little sleep. At the same time, I over exerted myself. Even if I was stressed out, I played badminton, started working out at the gym again, and even swam some laps in the pool during that week. These definitely affected my immune system, thus resulting in shingles outbreak!

I might be feeling well and normal now. But I should never forget that I still have HIV in my body, and that my CD4 is still considered to be very low (at < 100 count, < 9%). I should be more careful now... and take extra precaution. I should know my limits as I don't want to compromise my health! Shingles can recur if my immune system goes down again. I don't want this to happen again. It's itchy, painful and yucky! 

On a good note, this virus gave me the much needed 2-week rest from work. Just sleep, eat, read, TV, and DVD. I hope this is enough to recover my immune system. 


P.S. An IDS also told me that Vitamin B complex helps protect PLHIV from shingles outbreak, as it keeps the nerves healthy. And that IDS also advised me that some Vit B+ brands out there don't have as much amount of Vitamin B. So, I better change my brand, and go for a higher dose, to help speed up also the post-pain (post herpetic neuralgia) this shingles is causing. This pain is already giving me some sleepless nights, and is also waking me up in the middle of the night. :( 

Good news, this IDS also told me that a vaccine for shingles will soon be available for PLHIV, most likely next year! Can't wait. I'm sure this vaccine is way cheaper than 1-2 weeks of intake of acyclovir or valacyclovir, and definitely worth than suffer the pain, discomfort and yuckiness of shingles. 

Hospital Again After 1 Year

Exactly 1 year after I was confined for meningitis, I'm back. Same hospital, same floor :( There were some improvements in the hospital though. Bigger room. My TV now is 32" LCD, a big improvement from the 14" CRT TV last year. Incidentally, like last year, I was watching again The Voice PH Blind Auditions in the hospital. This made me wanna sing: "Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now..." hehe.

After I consulted my IDS at SAGIP, my doctor wanted to admit me ASAP. Why? I've been taking Valacyclovir for 4 days already, yet she saw that there were still some new blisters coming out due to my shingles (herpes zoster). Since my CD4 is still below 100, she wanted to be sure, and didn't want the infection to spread to my internal organs (like brain, ears, eyes... yikes, that's scary). 

Okay, so I made the room reservation after my consultation with my IDS. Then, I went home to get my stuff, and went back to the hospital. On my way to the hospital, I was so sad and worried, that I wanted to cry; I remembered my hospital admission last year. Uncertain of what might come, yet looking forward to the day when I will be discharged. 

When I got to my room, it was the same Q&A from the resident doctor. What meds are you taking? Are you on ARV? When were you diagnosed? What were your OIs? Did you have sex with women/men? Are you heterosexual/homosexual? How many sexual partners did you have? When was your last sex? What types of sex did you do (in short, are you top/bottom, oral receiver/giver)? How did you get infected? Did you use drugs? Next time, I swear, I'll bring an FAQ sheet, so I don't have to answer them again and again... 

After the admission protocols, there goes my IV.

Then, the nurses came. One by one, they started to greet me. They were all very friendly. "Hi sir, I remember you! You were here last year, right?" Seems like they were happy to see my again (in a positive way). Also, all of them (even the nursing aide) said, you gained a lot of weight? Nicer built now! Good... I'm flattered! Perhaps, due to how serious my illness was last year, and how thin I was at that time (at 115 lbs), they were quite surprised to see me looking well and fit. It also seemed like they were surprised that I was only hospitalized again after 1 year (and perhaps to still see me alive), despite having an advanced AIDS illness last year. 

Anyway, those comments lifted my spirit. So happy to have recovered pretty well from that painful meningitis last year. And I'm also glad that this hospitalization, is a lot less serious than than. 

After 1 week, my shingles dried up with acyclovir antiviral IV. The bad news was, that acyclovir IV was so damn expensive! And Philhealth only covered 10% of my bill. 

Good thing that I recovered in 1 week as expected. My shingles started to dry up. It did not spread to my internal organs. After 1 week, I was discharged. Thanks to my doctors for managing me well, and making sure I don't get any complications. And thanks to the nurses who were very friendly when they saw me again, though I don't want to see you guys again (at least in the hospital). :)  Also, buti na lang I'm paying Philhealth as an Individually Paying member now, apart from the contribution of my employer. At least, I don't need to ask for an MDR and certificate of contribution from my employer. And for that, they will not know that I was admitted in a hospital again.  

Damn, I lost 3 lbs in the hospital. Well... this is my license to eat at Vikings next week. :)

#latepost