Covey's Circle of Influence

I just attended a Franklin Covey training course. One topic was about Circle of Influence. In summary, Stephen Covey says that: "Your Circle of Influence includes those things you can affect directly. Your Circle of Concern includes all those things you care about but over which you have little or no control."

I found this topic interesting. Very applicable not just to my professional life, but to my personal & pozzie life as well.  

Looking back,  I asked, how did I handle my HIV diagnosis? How did I recover? Then, I realized I used Covey's Circle of Influence model. Yes, my HIV is a Circle of Concern... the virus is already in my body. There's nothing I can do with it. It has no cure (at least as of yet). It is undeniably a Circle of Concern! Something I can't control. But hey, no matter how high my viral load was then, there was still a space for Circle of Influence - things I can control.

So what are my Circle of Influence?

1. Managing HIV. HIV is uncurable. Accept it! But no matter how strong this virus is, it still leaves some Circle of Influence with it! HIV can be controlled! By taking ARV daily, the virus will stop multiplying, and decrease to almost zero level, making its number uncountable by modern test equipment due to its almost zero value. ARV is definitely my Circle of Influence!

2. Depression. HIV is deadly, highly stigmatized, and quite embarrassing to tell to anyone! Surely, one can easily fall into depression upon diagnosis. Had I fallen into this trap,  HIV's Circle of Concern would have gotten bigger... exponentially, eating up the space occupied by my Circle of Influence. Had I been depressed, it would have given me more stress, which would affect my immune system, which would make me even more prone to other sicknesses and OI's, which would give me even more stress. It's a vicious cycle that will make Circle of Concern get bigger and bigger, until I lose hope, stop fighting and die!  But luckily, I chose the other path... to fight on. Depression is a decision. It's not a Circle of Concern, but rather a Circle of Influence! I chose not to be depressed, I chose to keep a positive outlook. This gave me peace. This reduced my stress, which in turn helped boost my immune system. So, I was OI-free for quite some time, until my CD4 recovered to a much safer level from my baseline or 14.

3. Healthier Lifestyle & Prophylaxis. Certainly a Circle of Influence. Ample rest + No alcohol + Proper diet + No smoking... they boosted my immune system. Strictly taking propylaxis as prescribed, no matter how many, how costly and how strong their side effects are, guarded me from deadly OI's, while my immune system was severely compromised. 

4. Happiness. Most of all, I didn't let HIV stop myself from being happy! Happiness is a choice! I chose to be happy. It is definitely a Circle of Influence!

Result: my Circle of Influence kept getting bigger and bigger, eating up some space previously occupied by Circle of Concern. Soon, my viral load will forever remain undetectable. My CD4 will multiply to an even much safer level. And my HIV Circle of Concern will just be a dot as compared to the colossal Circle of Influence - A pebble in humongous Jupiter!

"When people focus on things they cannot control, they have less time and energy to spend on things they can influence. Consequently, their Circle of Influence shrinks." - Stephen Covey --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8LM4C1l70U

2014 was the year when I...

January 2014, I posted a blog “2013 was my worst year ever” for having been hospitalized 3 times, staying more than 1.5 months in total in hospitals, and for being seriously ill (almost died type of illnesses) with Stage 4 AIDS-related infections.

So, what has 2014 been to me? I was thinking of writing 2014 was an even worse year than 2013. Why? 2013, I was in the brink of death, but I survived. In contrast, 2014 was not totally fortunate. I lost not one, but 2 family members in one quarter.

But, in hind sight, I refuse to make 2014 as my worst year ever. Rather, I would say that 2014 is my Come Back Year! From two painful losses of loved ones, and from my downiest down in 2013 healthwise, 2014 is the year when I recovered. Recovery from AIDS. Recovery from my loss. 2014 is the year when I gained my life back! 

Which made me want to revise 2013…. looking back, I realized that my diagnosis and illnesses didn’t happen in 2013 for no reason at all. Had I not been diagnosis as positive in 2013, I wouldn’t have moved back to my parents’ house in that year. I wouldn’t have spent time being at home and just home (not even working and going to malls for 6 months) with my family for almost a year before I lost a parent and lola forever. Although it was a rough 2 years for us, the crises were just well-timed. There were meticulously timed gaps allowing for recovery both financially and emotionally. Truly, everything happens for a reason.

Indeed, 2014 is a year I came back.  This super late year-end blog is an effect. Written 1 month late, for I’ve been so busy as how I used to be: work, friends, family, partner, mall, gym, FB, but of course without alcohol, bar, and saunas. Oh… I guess it’s time to bring back Church!  :)

Intimate Noche Buena

I so love Christmas… the happiest time of the year! Christmas tree, decors, “cold” weather, carols, gifts, bibingka, Christmas parties,  Christmas bonus, Noche Buena. I love everything about Christmas, except one -- Christmas Shopping!

I despise it! Especially, because it’s too difficult for me to shop for gifts for women. Obviously, not for my girlfriend, but for my inaanak, sisters, mom, and lola.  I even remember 2 years ago, I was still in SM Makati 20 minutes before their closing time, on the 24^th of December, buying a gift for my lola! That was literally a last minute shopping! And, I had the biggest smile in the world when my last gift was wrapped with ribbon and placed under the tree!

This year, Christmas shopping was a breeze. I beat my personal record, and finished my Christmas shopping by December 21th. Yes, I finished it all 4 days before Christmas. Mission Accomplished!

But ironically, I’m not ecstatic. It feels different, so different! Of course, I’m glad I’ve finished my annual shopping chores. But it’s just so damn weird that I finished it early. And it feels sad. So sad.

I miss braving the crowd of Glorietta and Megamall to find those last minute perfect gifts on the 23^rd and 24^th of December. I miss analyzing for days the best gifts to give to these women. And most of all… I miss the persons who should be receiving the gifts. The 2 persons that I lost this year. My mom and my lola.

But life goes on. It’s Noche Buena on the 24^th! Sadly, there are now two empty seats in our dining area.  10 less gifts under the tree. Two less persons in the family portrait. Two less laughter and voices on Christmas eve.

But hey… I shouldn’t be sad. It’s still Christmas! And guess what…. while we are having our intimate Noche Buena at home, they are having an even grander party up there with the celebrant himself. Awesome! And of course... I should be happy for the 2nd life, and that I'm still celebrating Noche Buena with my family.

Have a blessed Christmas! 

Mercury Buffet

Glaxo, Pfizer, Unilab, Sandoz, Rhea, Globaxol.... these have become household names. No, I'm not a doctor, nor am I a med rep. But, because I've been their loyal customer for 1.5 years. 

18 months back, I was a drug-addict. Not with shabu, but with RX drugs, literally taking tons of meds every single day, contributing 16K to the bottomline of the pharma companies every month, when I was battling with AIDS. 

My daily planner then was not filled with meetings... but with drugs, starting from the time I open my eyes with the jingle of Kris TV, to the time I close them with Banana Nights. Excluding meds through IV. 

Literally, I was swallowing a cup-full of tablets every single day, forcing myself to swallow that nauseous smell of fluconazole. Well, that fluconazole alone, costs like a Yakimik meal. So, I just told myself that it's a buffet in a capsule. Its name sounds Korean/Japanese to me anyway! And that Azithromycin that gave me instant LBM was like a big mac in a tablet! 

But, I never gave up! I followed my doctor's instruction carefully, never missing any dose! Slowly, the pharmas and Mercury started to earn less from me.

First eviction came 2 months after. The first evictee: Rimactazid. From 2 tabs, it's down to 1 a day! And that Yakimix capsule, was slashed down to 2 tabs a day. Great, with this, I can now afford 2 yummy buffets a day!

After another 2 months, Rimactazid's dosage was reduced further! 

After another 3 months. Rimactazid was downgraded to Isoniazid! A pleasant surprise indeed, for I didn't know that Isoniazid costs only 6% of Rimactazid. Now, I can afford one additional La Fiesta buffet every month! 

Today, after another 12 months, I went to my doctor with my CD4 result! From a baseline of 14, my count is now 150! So, my doctor declared a forced eviction!

From now on, Azithromycin & Fluconazole are out! My two most expensive prophylaxis! The savings will now afford me a Sofitel buffet with my partner, and 1 Viking's buffet every month! What a pleasant birthday and Christmas gift for December! Can't wait to taste real foie gras, manchego, rib eye, hakaw, rockefeller oyser, jamon serrano, and that chewy chocolate chip cookies from Sofitel's gluttonous table!   

Thanks Azythromycin & Fluconazole. You have served me well! And, I'm really getting emotional now. Not that I'm gonna miss A&F. But I just realized that I was almost in my death bed 18 months back. Now, I'm so full of life! Thanks Doc! Thanks PGH! Thanks to my family and friends! Thanks pharma companies! and Thank You Lord!  And watch out.... cotri and isoniazid, you are next in line! 

Now... it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! 

First Travel as a Pozzie

I know that Singapore is not HIV friendly. They deport PLHIV if they found out they're positive. Unfortunately, I needed to go to Singapore for a business trip. My first ever trip as a pozzie. What do I do?

Fortunately, an SG-based pinoy member replied to my question on TRR. Now, I have a plan. Keep my ARV and 4 prophylaxis antibiotics in my check-in luggage. In case it gets delayed, this TRR member will lend me his ARV until my luggage arrives. No need to worry carrying my meds in my hand-carry bag. Relax!  

So, everything went on smoothly at Changi Airport. Even if I was randomly picked to put my luggage in the Custom's x-ray machine, I had no problem getting in the city - me and my meds.

At last, I'm in Singapore! The ultra clean city, wide roads, efficient transportation, disciplined pedestrian. The almost robotic and perfect city that I wanted to live in years ago. Unfortunately, living here is no longer possible for me as a pozzie. 

As I sit in the taxi to reach my hotel, I started to reminisce my last travel before I got sick of AID-related illnesses. Incidentally, that was also in Singapore! I remember clearly how bad my breathing was at that time. Getting my luggage from the conveyor caused breathing problems, like an asthma attack.  Same thing happened when I put my 15-kilo luggage in the compartment of a taxi. I even avoided MRT stations with no escalators as climbing stairs would make me grasp for air. Merely walking along the long air-conditioned hall of Cityhall link made me stop several times to rest before proceeding. And outside Outram station, I remember not crossing a huge road when there was even 15 seconds remaining before the pedestrian traffic light turns red - walking fast would cause shortness of breath. All these because of pneumonia, which I still didn't know I had at that time. 

Suddenly, the taxi driver said "Here lah!" I paid 20 bucks and got my 30-kilo luggage from the compartment quickly! Wow, it was effortless. I tried to cross the busy Orchard Road. But the pedestrian light was blinking faster... 10 seconds on the timer. Without hesitation, I ran with my luggage and carry-on bag. Don't wanna wait for the next green light. I made it in time before the light turned red. No sweat. After I checked-in at my hotel, I strolled along Orchard, to find a place to eat. I've walked almost the entire stretch of Orchard. This time, I'm sweating. But no, not because of breathing problems, but for walking almost a kilometer under the humid climate of Singapore! I really feel so normal now... very far from the asthmatic state I had last year! I have indeed fully recovered from AIDS. 

  

Then, I finally had dinner. A fit and sexy Singaporean in tank top walked in front of my table! Damn! Apart from the city view, this is also what I really missed. Fit Singaporeans, no tummies, walking in tight fitting shirts scattered in all corners of Singapore! This country is so obsessed in gym and fitness, and it's just so amazing! I better start working out seriously when I get back in Manila. :)

A Pozzie Party

Yesterday, I attended a pozzie event. A triple birthday celebration of 3 pozzies in a private venue. 

Man, it's been a while. This is the first party I attended in 1.5 years. The first party after I was diagnosed as a pozzie. 

It's fun to party again! Good food. New faces. Kwentuhan. Kulitan. And of course... Alcohol! But no, I didn't drink. I'm on 4 antibiotics :)  

Well, although it's a pozzie party, all look normal. No more stereotype images of pozzies looking sick and dying. Everyone looks fit and healthy. 

But of course, there were surprises! I saw some familiar faces. I saw a face I used to see in a gym. Then, a  guy I met on Grindr. Then, a guy I met many years ago; I can't believe I'm seeing him again after more than a decade, in a pozzie event, and both as pozzies. Was it bothersome to see these guys there? Initially... yes. But hey, it's an exclusive pozzie event. So, why worry?

The best thing about the group is its privacy. It has RULES! No cameras flashing here and there. No need to worry that your pics get uploaded on Facebook or Twitter in a speed of 3 Mbps. And due to the "rules", no further details :) The party was just simply fun, kahit medyo tahimik pa ko dun... 

Truly, there's life after HIV! 


#latepost

Most Hated Question

Tonight, my dad asked me, has Magic Johnson been cured of HIV? I just said no. His HIV is just being managed. No elaboration, though I know only 1 person has been cured of HIV. That guy who has undergone a risky bone marrow transplant. And why is he asking me this question? 

Well, I have been living in the closet for more than half my life. Being a discreet closeted homo, I have mastered the art and science of hiding. 

Yes, I'm out to my fellow discreet gay/bi friends and partner, but not to any of my family members, nor to any of my colleagues and straight friends. And this has really affected my relationship with them, most especially with my family. Being in a marrying age, I have been constantly asked  by my parents when I am getting married. To cut the conversation off, I just keep silent. Oftentimes, I even avoid being with them just to avoid this type of awkward conversation. And like many other closeted guys out there, I have long avoided weddings and family reunions... as much as I could. That's what living in a closet is... in a nutshell. And I've learned to be OK with this setup. 

Then came HIV. Of course, I got depressed when I found out. Who wouldn't be? But, a day after diagnosis, while I was on my hospital bed, a thought flashed in. Now that my family knows I'm positive, this means they will stop asking when I am getting married. This made me smile in the midst of despair. A welcome break indeed :)

After several months, I recovered from my AIDS OI's, and things slowly went back to normal. Except one thing... my parents have stopped asking me the awkward question. A small consuelo for this most feared disease. Though it's so shallow and mababaw, a tiny but heavy torn was still taken out. Now, I no longer have to keep distant from my dad.